Peanut is using new words by the second. Her current favorite is Uh-Oh! Ever the English teacher I am attempting to get her to use her new word only when appropriate. It has been going something like this:

Yesterday I was hit in the face with the reality of how into me I am. Ughh. Don’t you love the mirror God occasionally holds up to your heart? Yesterday, I did not.

We bought a car a couple of weeks ago. We meant to get around to making the key. We did. But I work full time and am ridiculously tired because this baby(s) is eating me from the inside out. Christian has the baby the days he is home, we babysit two nights a week. Weekends are full of other stuff. We just don’t feel like it, but we will get to it later……except now we won’t get to it later because somehow this weekend we managed to lose the key. We looked everywhere. I even went through the trash. Gone. Like yesterday, the key is gone. We need the key so I can get to work tomorrow. The replacement cost us $250. Ouch.

Also, Sunday I couldn’t get the Wii remote to work. This may not sound like a big deal, but we don’t have cable and we stream netflix live through the Wii. So, basically the TV went out.

And finally, today Christian texted me to let me know that he couldn’t find his keys and may not be able to get to work. While the Internet at school was acting up and my lesson plans demanded netflix and the new superintendent was roaming the school looking for classes to pop in on. Awesome!

All of this has driven me to my knees. I have been praying desperately and fervently. Please just let this stuff work! Which makes me realize that I haven’t been praying desperately and fervently for much else lately. Not for my friends and co-workers who don’t know the Lord, not for the city I profess to love deeply. Not for my children, the peanut or whoever happens to be residing in my uterus. Not even for guidance as to whether or not I should teach summer school. I have been praying I make it to work on time the 4 days a week I am cutting it too close for comfort.

I remember a time in college where this wasn’t the case. I had a lot of friends who didn’t know the Lord personally. Some of them seemed to be seeking, some of them had let me know up front that they didn’t really have any interest, but they were okay with the fact that the whole Jesus thing seemed to be working for me. I was on my knees for these people every single night. I would literally cry out to God, tears streaming down my face, for the lives of my friends. I steadily prayed for three people who didn’t know the Lord all through Junior High and High School, the inside of my dresser decorated with an orange piece of construction paper with a three person list and a Jesus fish in blue paint marker. God has twice in my life repeatedly woken me up to pray for things that I didn’t fully understand until the whole situation was revealed (both had to do with unborn babies no one knew about).

But right now? Currently I am completely keyed into praying for things that make my life easier, that benefit and convenience me. It isn’t that I don’t think God doesn’t want these things for my life. It is just that….well…..I like the person I am better when I am more in tune with other people’s problems, with other’s needs. Considering where I work, there are people in my life (my students) who have larger problems than their netflix not working. When my prayers are less concerned with the admittedly shallow needs of my own and more concerned with the deep hurt of the world around me.

I went  to visit my sister and her three kids in Detroit over spring break. I had a great time but it was so cold. Why do people live where it snows, in April? I am so so so glad that the Lord called me to Atlanta and not Alaska.

So I was at my sister’s in Alaska Detroit. She has three kids. Three girls. Basically she has the exact family we were raised in, space between sisters and all. 5, 3, and 1. It was super fun to be around. I kept calling us the estrogen parade. Everybody at the mall, or at the zoo (where we had a friend’s 4 year old girl- 5 girls under 5) kept commenting about all of those little girls. Especially when we dressed them alike for their picture. Here were some of the highlights

*Deciding at 8 am to get the girls dressed in matching outfits (that we had to find and put together) and get their picture taken. We had never done this before and it was hilarious. The big girls did a great job but the babies were a little less than co-operative. So the poor photographer had to keep a 3 and 5 year old in place and smiling while the Em’s youngest cried that she wasn’t being held by mama and the Peanut (who refused to nap that day) pulled on her ear and looked border line comatose. Lucky for us we got one good photo. So it wasn’t a difficult decision.

*After the photo-shoot we drove half way across town to go to the mall with the play place, got the kids fed (the Peanut was mad I didn’t get her food fast enough). Where there was a sweet carousel and Em and I had no cash so the big girls had to be told sorry after we had said yes…..oops. Luckily there was enough change for them to each go on the ride of their choice. They were remarkably amiable about the whole thing. By the time we got home I was really glad my brother-in-law had made dinner. We were all pretty tired.

*Four girls in one bathtub. The squealing, the splashing. The sheer joy of it all.

Mostly it was fun to watch the older sisters interact. I don’t really have any memories of what it was like to have day to day interactions with my sisters when I was one or three. It was pretty entertaining, especially watching the older two. The oldest who I will refer to as the Star and the second who I will call the Scientist were constantly playing together. Occasionally the Star would tell the Scientist “You can’t be my best friend anymore.” Which she is NOT allowed to say. Mostly because it is mean, but also because it is not true. Em and I were sitting around laughing about it.

Ask Jill and I, as much as you try to avoid it you sisters are there. Always there…..the person who you are screaming at across the 150 people in the band room, is the “extra” person you want with you in the delivery room when you are birthing your first child. The person who bears the scars of your fights is the same one who is still able to make you laugh until you pee yourself at 27 years old. It is the arch of sisterhood. Those old rivalries and frustrations will fade and be the strange foundation of the closest relationship outside of your marriage. If you let them. If you forgive. If you and your family covers those relationships in prayer. Believe me. I know.

I still remember the Christmas where I was engaged, where Jill and I had erupted into yet another argument. I know it was about something stupid, but I don’t remember exactly what. We ended up yelling across the living room as our extended family wondered if we were ever going to be able to get along. And my dad let us know what a bad witness it was. Two people who professed to be followers of Christ, who spoke of the forgiveness of sin, were unable to forgive each other of anything, ever. Whooops. Merry Christmas.

We began praying for our relationship without telling each other, and just a few years later Jill was the family member I was praying would come here. Jill was the one I was so desperately grateful for when I had my baby, funny how God’s grace can work out like that. Can cover and heal relationships if you let it.

There is little doubt in my mind that The Star and The Scientist will have a similarly close relationship as they age. And for them I leave this hilarious interaction. Because, who else can you puke on but your sister.

Star: (Bursting in the door) I PUKED! I puked on Scientist, I puked on her coat. I PUKED on Scientist’s coat!

Scientist: (Trudging in) Someone puked on my coat, star puked on my coat. I do not want to wear this coat anymore.

At which point I was doing everything I could to control my laughter. When I found out that Scientist had made Star laugh so hard that she puked up the birthday cake she had eaten I couldn’t contain myself any longer and covered my head with a blanket until I laughed till I cried.

See, this is what you need sisters for, to make you laugh so hard you have some sort of bodily fluid come out of you involuntarily.

So I work at an urban High School. I really enjoy it. I find these kids particularly charming. As difficult as it is, and as much as I whine about it (oh, and how) I feel privileged that these kids share their lives with me. I also am grateful that my life is bigger than me, what is going on in my own house. I like that God has given me a heart for people who have it a whole lot harder than I do. I like watching so many of  them rise from their circumstances and succeed.

Anyway, I went to an assembly with my students yesterday. It was about post-secondary options, specifically, dual enrollment. Basically, the state of Georgia will give qualifying students the opportunity to go to college for high school credit for free. This is a great opportunity for most kids, but especially for mine for a couple of reasons. Most of my kids don’t have parents or siblings or cousins who went to college, so they don’t know what it is like or what to expect. If they can take one class while still at home and the rest at high school it is a good way to make the whole college thing less intimidating. Also, no one needs FREE college more than my kids. And they will likely go to school in GA and qualify for a lot of financial aid, which tax payers foot the bill for. So if the tax payers can pay for a credit once and not have to foot the bill for the high school credit as well, everyone is better off.

In order to promote this whole dual enrollment thing, the state produced a video that is on a website that they are requiring the couselors to make every kid watch. Here is my beef with the video. While it is supposed to be talking about ALL the different ways you can get college credit in high school, the video highlighted a single student. Clinton Klett.  And he is as white as his name. Whiter even. He is a student at Georgia Tech and he came to tech with a ridiculous 27 hours worth of AP credit. There aren’t even 27 hours worth of AP options offered at my school.

But there ARE options that COULD work for my kids. The move on when ready seems like it could really work for them, and some community colleges are right off Marta lines on purpose….but that isn’t what the video focuses on. The video focuses on Clinton Klett, the white kid who aced his bajillion AP classes and talks about the benefit of being able to take less classes his Jr. and Sr. year instead of the cash benefit of graduating a semester or two early. Oh yeah, because Mr. Klett has the ability to bank roll little Clinton’s education.

In don’t mean to knock this kid. I am sure he worked really freaking hard in high school and think it is great that he gets to reap these benefits. But the focus of the video let MY kids know in no uncertain terms that this video was not designed with them in mind. If it was they would have had a Clinton Klett in smaller doses and had Myesha Parks who took the bus to night classes and can tell you how much money she saved and how she could support herself one year sooner. Or a kid talking about how the computer classes let them not have to listen to b.s. from teachers. That would get my students interested.

But they didn’t. The lovely people who make all the statewide decisions for all the students in GA choose Clinton Klett as the sole spokesperson. Classic.

The radio station that I listen to in the morning has a segment called “stepping into psycho” basically it is when someone who is normally main stream decided they are going to do something crazy. Follow their boyfriend because they think he is cheating, or putting spy ware on their ex-girlfriend. Something that is sort of embarrassing to admit to.

Sometimes I feel like I have stepped into Christianity psycho. Whispers in your heart, following sensible soft leading, those are things Christians do. And talk about openly. But speak in tongues (I do that as of about six months ago) or tell people that while the ultrasound has so far only detected one heart beat your friend who had dreams the first time is having some more dreams this time. Your dad who got words the first time is having more words this time….and they include other members of the family. You can’t quench a hope in your heart no matter how hard you try.

So here I am. Claiming twins again. Believing that this time is THE time. Getting chills when I type that. So, if you have a double infant stroller you aren’t using….hang onto it until further notice. I still believe that I could need it.

Well right now……

I am having a difficult pregnancy. According to my midwives I am perfectly healthy, and I am grateful for that. Truly I am. But compared to the Peanut? This is hell. I am low grade nauseous pretty much constantly. I haven’t puked very often, but I could pretty much any second of any day. Just give me a reason. I have to be super careful when I brush my teeth and the pubescent boy musk that my students carry on them is NOT helping. But I would be willing to puke more often if these other two things would go away 1. The nasty “I’m about to puke” taste that is almost always in my mouth and 2. The copious amounts of saliva. Along with the gross symptoms and the exhaustion I am totally beat. And maybe not remembering is God’s way of encouraging you to have a second one, but the first pregnancy was NOT this hard.. And this causes me to worry about the following things.

1. Last pregnancy was easy which equaled an easy baby. This time around does hard pregnancy equal super colicky baby? Seems like the only logical explanation to me.

2. What if this isn’t the twins? Twin pregnancies are supposed to be harder than singletons. How on earth will I manage through that? For nine months? With two other children……maybe that is why I have been crying for mercy. I cannot even imagine.

3. What if I have been blogging about twins, claiming twins, praying for twins, and they never come. How many years before people think I am crazy……What if the prayer gets answered when I am 50? Peanut could be married and pregnant by then.

4. What if they do come? What if this time is the time? Then I will have 3 under 3, a full time job and a husband in PhD school. That sounds like it is worry worthy if I do say so myself. And I do.

5. Twin birth is not like normal birth, I won’t be able to be in the tub, they will want me to deliver right in an operating room, I will most likely have a c-section. I am not happy about any of this.

6. We bought a station wagon off of Craigslist and not a mini-van. What if God sees this as a personal statement of unbelief and doesn’t give me twins because I wasn’t planning on them? What if I get them and then can’t fit all the car seats, and then I can’t sell the wagon, and then we have to take two cars everywhere?

7. What if this isn’t really a baby? What if I am just having a weird stomach virus?

Okay….I think I’ll stop before I embarrass myself further…..welcome to my head.

I am being called to write a very transparent post about the whole twin business that I am struggling with…..in the mean time. This person has something very valuable to say.

http://jessicagottlieb.com/2011/03/its-my-birthday-and-you-have-to-listen-to-me/

The other day the kids we babysit for twice a week were having eggs and toast for dinner that I was in charge of cooking. And while my cooking skills may have improved since high school, I’m still the girls who managed to burn canned green beans. I don’t remember exactly how it happened, but I think it had something to do with the phone ringing and that conversation being far more interesting than dinner.

Anyway, I had managed to think to ask Elizabeth how she cooked the kids eggs…..but I hadn’t listened when she told me. Oops. Turns out the second half to that equation is just as important as the first. Who knew? My conversation with her oldest went something like this.

Me: When your mommy cooks you eggs, are they all yellow and kinda lumpy (I was hoping for scrambled. It is really the only way I know how to cook eggs.)

J: No, they are white.

Me: So they are white on the outside, are they easy?

J: Huh?

Me: When you bite them, is there yellow liquid?

J: Yeah! You bite the egg and yellow stuff squirts out!

So I knew how I was supposed to make the eggs……only I had never, ever made them like that before. And J is sort of a picky eater…..a vocally picky eater. I put the first egg in and managed to flip it yolk in tact. Then I got cocky. I tried to make three eggs at the same time while simultaneously toasting bread. I know this may sound like an easy task for most people. But what can I say, the kitchen simply isn’t where my gifts lie.

So I am burning the toast and struggling with the eggs when J comes to look at my progress.

J: You aren’t very good at cooking huh?

Me: No I’m not.

J: Yeah my mommy is really good at cooking (Note: this could not be more true)

Me: Your mommy is very good at cooking. You know who else is good at cooking?

J: Mr. Christian?

Me: Yes Ms. Abby doesn’t have to be a good cook because Mr. Christian is.

J: (Clearly missing the gender equality lecture I am trying to give and only concerned about dinner.) Why didn’t you bring him?

Very good question good sir. Very good question.

The Peanut has learned a new trick, and it isn’t winning her any new friends, or even getting her fed what she wants (well her OTHER new trick, licking her lips, is getting her more strawberry pie. I can’t help it. It is really cute). It is only making her, and me, and her babysitter tired and cranky.

The Peanut has figured out how to crawl up the walls of both the pack and play, and the crib. She then pulls herself into a standing position. This way she can’t go to sleep when she doesn’t want to. Lying on her back was allowing her to drift off into dream world. The only problem is…..she has yet to learn how to move herself from her standing position to the sitting one. She gets up there, gets herself stuck, and then gets PISSED OFF. SOMEONE GET ME DOWN! WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE ME UP HERE! Now I know some of you would say that I should just leave her there until she lets go. But I tried that, for far longer than I would ever admit to on the internet. The kid has a stubborn streak (we will go ahead and blame that on her father. Yeah….. Right….she gets that from her dad.) And you would think that eventually she would fall down, but she doesn’t trust me. Or if you still don’t believe me Christian has a meeting on Wednesday, if you are available to babysit you can see for yourself.

I don’t know quite what we are going to do about it, but I was talking to my sister Jill on the phone and she pointed out how many spiritual applications this particular situation has. How many times does God put me in a situation the exact way I need to be in it, with everything I need…..and I manuever out of the situation to a position I have decided I would rather be in? I don’t want to (apologize, get up on time, tell someone that really random specific word, confront someone, the list goes on.) so I do what I want instead of what God wants. Then I get really pissed that He would strand me there, standing up, cranky, and exhausted. How could God just abandon me in that situation? HOW DARE HIM! And I don’t even have the decency to wiggle my butt back where it belongs. I call out louder and angrier furious that God would leave me in this position. I thought I had at least until the Peanut’s second birthday before I say my faults her dad’s faults so clearly in her.

So two questions for you, A.) Who else sees themselves in this situation? and B.) Does anyone know how to out smart my 10 month old? Even Elizabeth is stumped. She always has the answer!

I’ve been praying a lot since my last posts. About the twins mostly, when where, this time? Lord how long? And repeatedly I hear God tell me. “Pray for my mercy.” So I am. I am crying out to God that He would have mercy on me. When I try to pray for the twins directly or ask God when or what to name this one if it is a singular, I get this: Pray for my mercy.

This is what I know about God’s mercy. It is good, I live in it. It is different than God’s grace. But I don’t deserve it either. Last summer, shortly after I had Juliet I got an email that I was being surplussed. I would no longer be working at the school I was familiar with. Along with a new baby, I would have a new school in the fall. All my co-workers, my support system would be gone just when I needed them most. At least that is how I interpreted the move. While I do miss my co-workers very much, the move was merciful. My new school is a better fit for me in so many ways. Turns out as I was being a spoiled brat to God, letting Him know that I wanted what I wanted and hadn’t He put enough on my plate, this is RIDICULOUS! It took about 8 hours at my current school for God to show me just how merciful He had been.

The Lord’s mercy doesn’t always look like I think it will. But sometimes it does. Like an impressionist painting, it is often only a picture we understand when we are able to take a step back from the situation. But sometimes it is as clear as a photograph. I suppose I will have to continue to pray for His mercy, and trust that my God is both merciful, and smarter than me.

What has God’s mercy looked like in your life? Has it ever been something you initially were unhappy about?