Yesterday I was hit in the face with the reality of how into me I am. Ughh. Don’t you love the mirror God occasionally holds up to your heart? Yesterday, I did not.
We bought a car a couple of weeks ago. We meant to get around to making the key. We did. But I work full time and am ridiculously tired because this baby(s) is eating me from the inside out. Christian has the baby the days he is home, we babysit two nights a week. Weekends are full of other stuff. We just don’t feel like it, but we will get to it later……except now we won’t get to it later because somehow this weekend we managed to lose the key. We looked everywhere. I even went through the trash. Gone. Like yesterday, the key is gone. We need the key so I can get to work tomorrow. The replacement cost us $250. Ouch.
Also, Sunday I couldn’t get the Wii remote to work. This may not sound like a big deal, but we don’t have cable and we stream netflix live through the Wii. So, basically the TV went out.
And finally, today Christian texted me to let me know that he couldn’t find his keys and may not be able to get to work. While the Internet at school was acting up and my lesson plans demanded netflix and the new superintendent was roaming the school looking for classes to pop in on. Awesome!
All of this has driven me to my knees. I have been praying desperately and fervently. Please just let this stuff work! Which makes me realize that I haven’t been praying desperately and fervently for much else lately. Not for my friends and co-workers who don’t know the Lord, not for the city I profess to love deeply. Not for my children, the peanut or whoever happens to be residing in my uterus. Not even for guidance as to whether or not I should teach summer school. I have been praying I make it to work on time the 4 days a week I am cutting it too close for comfort.
I remember a time in college where this wasn’t the case. I had a lot of friends who didn’t know the Lord personally. Some of them seemed to be seeking, some of them had let me know up front that they didn’t really have any interest, but they were okay with the fact that the whole Jesus thing seemed to be working for me. I was on my knees for these people every single night. I would literally cry out to God, tears streaming down my face, for the lives of my friends. I steadily prayed for three people who didn’t know the Lord all through Junior High and High School, the inside of my dresser decorated with an orange piece of construction paper with a three person list and a Jesus fish in blue paint marker. God has twice in my life repeatedly woken me up to pray for things that I didn’t fully understand until the whole situation was revealed (both had to do with unborn babies no one knew about).
But right now? Currently I am completely keyed into praying for things that make my life easier, that benefit and convenience me. It isn’t that I don’t think God doesn’t want these things for my life. It is just that….well…..I like the person I am better when I am more in tune with other people’s problems, with other’s needs. Considering where I work, there are people in my life (my students) who have larger problems than their netflix not working. When my prayers are less concerned with the admittedly shallow needs of my own and more concerned with the deep hurt of the world around me.