Be thou my wisdom and thou my true word. I stopped to stare at those words on the screen as I attempted to coral the toddler and keep an eye on the baby, who has this week developed a most hilarious sense of humor. She was sitting in my mom’s arms and attempting to grab a hold of her aunt’s dress and lift it up simply because it makes her grin.

I love it when a hymn written origanly in old irish, translated to english in 1905, and “versified” in 1912 (I love wikipedia!) sings the words that my heart has been trying to form. My truest word…..what if everything I write that speaks to someones heart gets ascribed to Him? What if my truest words were the ones given to me, and not really mine at all. Every smart thing I think and say is His. Every good thing I see, I see through the eyes of Jesus.

Yes, let’s pray for that today, shall we? Me first.

Ms. Norman! Is screamed at me, hollered at me, whined at me, hello-ed to me, smiled at me, more often than the phrase “mommy.” I only have two children (currently) and only one of them talks. I have over a hundred students trying to get my attention at various parts in the day.

Currently my students are working on their projects while I am avoiding my grading by looking up the tattoo I think I want for my thirieth birthday on the internet. I may have a year and a half to work out the details, but you can never start researching too early! Especially when you are attempting to avoid grading your students final projects.

Every day I drive from the school where “Ms. Norman” is being hollered at me, to home, where I am greeted by a delightful squeal from my two-year-old “Mommy!” There is very little time to just be me in between, and who is that me anyway?

I don’t know what that answer is now, but I know what I want it to be. I know what I want inked on to my foot where I can look at it lest I get confused, and engraved onto my tombstone. I want to be a Jesus Lover. If you only get one sentence to eulogize me, I want it to be “She loved Jesus.” Mommy, wife, teacher, friend, I want to be good at all of those things, but mostly I want to be a Jesus Lover.

Now if I can only find the perfect font……

My oldest sister Emily wasn’t there for her 17th birthday. She was on a church ski trip. It was a sunday. The church that I grew up in was still small enough that we met in what is now the fellowship hall, but was the original sanctuary. I knew at least 95% of the faces in the service. I was dedicated and baptized in that space. So were my sisters.

At this point it is important to know that my dad was the crier in the family. If one of my parents was going to get all teary-eyed at a movie, we had our money on dad. I distinctly remember him crying over that Oreo commercial where the college age girl asks the dad to open up her cookie. Every single time it came on.

It was my mom that sunday who got choked up. She raised her hand during prayer request time and just wanted to publicly thank God for the blessing that was her oldest daughter on her 17th birthday. Later, I heard a woman I had known my entire life as the woman who brought the awesome cocktail weenies to the potlucks, and wore the fabulous sparkly shoes talking about how exciting it was when Emily was born.

That is the beauty of going to the same church your whole life, there are so many people who have walked every step of your journey with you. I have women who are my Facebook friends who can remember feeding me Cheerios and teaching me where my nose is.

She remarked how Emily’s birth was particularly sweet, after the bitterness of my mom’s first pregnancy ending in a miscarriage. It occurred to me that this woman had prayed with and for mom…before she was my mom. I knew somewhere in the back of my head that mom had a miscarriage before Em was born. We didn’t really keep secrets in my family. (Perhaps that is why I choose to spill my secrets all over the internet.)

Sometime after that, still in my early teenage years I asked my mom about it. She told me it was sad. She thought it was a girl and she named the baby Lea, an oldest daughter from the Bible. I found out from my dad, who freely admitted he perhaps did not realize how hard it was on my mom, that my Grammy came to stay and help take care of mom. My mom was in graduate school I think.

Sometimes I wonder about her, Lea. I wonder if she is the one who looks like Jill (my students at my first school  used to point her out among my sister pictures and say “that one got a different daddy?”), if she is the reason Emily does not often act like a first-born. I wonder sometimes if there would have been me had my mom not had a miscarriage the first time around. My parents did stop after three girls. I just wonder sometimes.

Mother’s day is coming up, and I read a really cool piece by Laura Zeisel about the word mother in the context of a verb. Mother Theresa may not have had any babies, but what a fine job of mothering she did for the kingdom of God. It made me think about all the people in my life who have, who are, mothering well.

Mostly, it made me think about my friends who have suffered through the pain of miscarriages. Within the last year I have found women like Laura Zeisel and Sarah Bessey, who blog about their miscarriages openly. I have discovered that many of my friends also, share their story. Positive pregnancy tests….but no joyful Facebook status celebrating babies arrival, no baby toes to coo over. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. Statistically speaking one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Most of my friends are of childbearing age. It is happening. It is happening to my friends and sisters in Christ….and I don’t know how to talk about it. I am awkwardly silent on the issue. And I am not silent on much.

I am silent because I don’t want to offend or say the wrong thing. I am silent on this like I was silent on race, before my minority students gave me the words to use. I am silent because I know not everyone has the same way of dealing with their grief, and I don’t want to make any assumptions. I am silent because I just don’t know what to say.

I found out that a friend from church has had 2 miscarriages and I ponder the conversation I had with her sometime around the Peanut’s birth, when I asked her when her and her husband wanted kids. She smiled, and told me graciously that they were open to whatever God wanted for them. I am an idiot, and I pray that my idiocy did not cause her pain.

I attended a poetry reading by some old speech circuit acquaintances. One of the poets preformed a beautiful poem about her miscarriage. (She wrote a book with said poem in it, you should buy it.) It had the line, “what we do is the same.” She had two miscarriages in the same time that I had two health babies. She is honoring those babies the best she knows how, just like I am feeding and clothing my babies the best I know how, and I meant for it all to come out gracefully, but per my standard behavior I verbally barfed all over her. She handled it beautifully and I was able to redeem myself in a Facebook message.

My track record for talking about miscarriage is clearly not great. But I wanted to say, in this tiny space I have here that I am thinking of you this mother’s day. I want to hear your story and honor that life if you would allow me to. I want to weep with you and hold your hand if you want to cry. I want you to be less alone. I want to make sure you know that God is not punishing you, and this is not your fault, and all the other lies that sometimes people believe in grief are in fact lies. I want to stand with you, or sit with you, or be silent with you in solidarity.

I don’t want to stand in the desert and talk about how it really should rain, how it used to rain here all the time and now it is not and if it would just rain again then everything would be okay. Don’t get me wrong. I am praying for rain. I am standing in the desert praying that the Lord would make it rain. Make it rain justice, and mercy, make it rain grace and peace. Lord make it rain! And I think He can, and I believe He will. I will listen for thunder and sniff the air, I will smell the hope of rain.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t grab a shovel and start digging. Yes, I want it to rain, but that isn’t the only way for water to come. Mercy and justice can also spring up from the ground and that is just as miraculous.

I will stand where the Lord has lead my heart, I will bring a shovel, and I will start digging. I will trust that the water will spring up from the ground, and I will dig. I will pray for rain, and I will pray for the strength to keep digging. I will join others as they begin to dig.

I will notice the wells that have already been built and I will dig with my brothers and sisters to widen the well, so that more water might pour out. And I will continue to pray for water.

I am no longer willing to live in the land of swimming pools and freshly watered lawns and contnue to be willfully ignorant of the deserts of my brothers and sisters. I will take my water to them, pour it out for them, and aid them in digging their own wells. I will turn off my hose when I have enough, so that others can also have enough, so less will go thirsty. I will pipe my water into their community. I will give both a shovel and a glass of water to those in need.  And I will pray for rain.

But I will not stand in a desert and lament that there is no rain; I will not blame the thirsty for their lack of water while I stand in my shower and let my water run over me just because I can. I will not see my full well as a sign that I am doing it right, and the thirsty are doing it wrong. I will pray for their rain, and I will join them in digging.

I will pray: Lord make it rain, and Lord allow the water to spring up from the ground. I trust where you put my heart. I will sniff the air and smell the rain, and I will put my hands to the shovel and I will dig. I will trust that the water will come, and I will find those desert places, and I will bring my water, and my shovel, and I will trust that the water will pour out.

A childhood friend has been writing a series on some desert places she has discovered, way to pray for rain and people who already have shovels. I found todays post on AIDS particularly moving.

Over at sheloves magazine everyone seems to have a word of the year. They all seem so exciting and adventurous. Fearless! Leap! Roar! They are big and bold and active.

And my word for this year, my word is grace. I have known it since New Years Eve. This year is all about the Grace of the Lord. Resting in it, admitting that I am not good enough, trusting that the Lord’s grace covers the rest. Accepting grace from others in the form of a surprise cherry-limeade, a message on facebook that what I write matters, an email exchange from women I really only know through their blogs, or dinner I did not have to cook or pay for. It is hard to accept help sometimes, even harder to ask for it.

I am also learning a whole heck of a lot about extending grace. To myself, to my family, to my friends. Grace isn’t grace if it is only extended when someone deserves it. That isn’t grace at all really. My self-centered form of justice says that if I was wronged in anyway I deserve to withold grace. Forget that forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us thing, I want to see someone truly repent first.

How many sins would be left still clinging to my being if the cross only covered the things I am consistently repentant for? Too many to count, more than I am aware of I am sure. And yet, that grace was extended anyway. I am learning (slowly) what that means to give grace freely, because I still believe what I expressed earlier this year Grace gives people the freedom to move on, the space to do better. It allows people to move past where they were and move to where God calls them to be.

In some ways I am jealous of those women with big active words for this year. I am the kind of person who leaps before I look, roars with the best of them, charges ahead and hopes that it will all work out it the end. Those are all things I am good at, they suit me. But those are not my words this year. The word of my year is grace. And grace is less of a one time big action, or an attitude, and more of a day to day discipline, a moment to moment surrender. And I am learning to give myself grace when I fail…..at grace…. Goodness gracious!

Somehow in my earlier years of teaching, as happens to many a people who were once on a speech or debate team, I got roped into starting a team at the high school I was working at. As a debate coach one of the things I taught was that all of the words needed to be defined. If we are talking about a significant change, then we all have to agree on how much is significant. I left my debate-coaching days behind me the first time I got surplused, but lately this need to define some words has popped up.

As my last post explained, I have been chasing metaphorical rabbits all over Pinterest lately. Pinterest is an online pin board where you can pin images and ideas. I use it to keep track of recipes and crafts I want to try, and ideas for the girls I will probably never ever get around to. I have seen some elementary school teachers use it for ideas for their room and would like to figure out how to use it to keep track of some of my teacher stuff.

The other day I was looking for what to eat for dinner and perhaps a dessert to make for small group. So I went to Pinterest, where I found a delicious spinach and artichoke grilled cheese sandwich, and after a series of more specific dessert words, some super easy and delicious chocolate-peanutbutter-nuetella bars. I know. Yes, they were that amazing.

Here, however is the major issue I have with Pinterest. Some people on Pinterest have an extremely loose definition of the word “easy.” Super pinners, please stop lying. You are making my life difficult. When I search Pinterest for an easy manicure, I mean an easy manicure. I do not mean a manicure that includes three different colors and manipulating dots of polish with toothpicks. That manicure is awesome but it is not easy. Nor, for the record, is a manicure that consists of a base coat followed by cutting scotch tape into thirty million pieces and placing them intersecting lines across your nails, followed by a top coat in another shade. It proves for some pretty intricate patterns, but intricate and easy are actually opposites.

And crock pot pinners. Stop it. Just stop it. I have a crock pot because it is ridiculously easy to make ribs in it. You throw in the ribs, you throw in the barbecue sauce, you set the thing on low and 5 hours later your house smells delicious and your dinner is made. When I search for easy crock pot meals I don’t mean 15 steps and 37 ingredients. I will not “just” chop my own garlic and ginger and parsley and basil and 6 other things. If the prep time is more than an hour that is decidedly NOT easy. It is stinking hard, and due to the visual nature of Pinterest, I see the final product, start drooling, click-through to get the original recipe and then get disappointed that will NOT be going into my mouth tonight because there is no stinking way I am doing all that work. I searched “easy crock pot” don’t use the term easy if it isn’t.

Look, Super-pinners, I get it. You are better at this stuff than I am. That is fine! I just need you to stop lying to me. That wall art is not easy. It requires you to be able to free hand the Mona Lisa with a sharpie, that is in fact NOT so simple. So don’t lie about it and I won’t have to come across it in my search. The wall art that consists of a piece of canvas, some elmers glue and ONE shade of paint, this I can do! This is so simple, this is so easy. I am impressed that you are so far advanced that you don’t think of whatever various activity you are doing as hard. But that does not mean that they are easy. If you want to feel superior than me, by all means go ahead. I feel smarter than you, because I know what the word easy means.

(Special thanks to my friends at the team EZ wedding for putting up with the rant in its original verbal form)

I’ve written before about how I put a lot of pressure on myself for holidays. I don’t know what the deal is. I did NOT get this from my mother. She always did some pretty awesome stuff for birthdays and holidays but it was never over done or disingenuous. It never put any pressure on us to have fun or else.  It just was, and it was fun. She did set the bar pretty darn high for birthday cakes (highlights include: Miss Piggy, Snoopy, a train, a carousel, we could pretty much ask for anything) but I like baking and enjoy using frosting and candy as a medium. The cake thing I feel pretty good about.

All too often my fretting results in my buying too much food (We had fruit kabobs for days after the Peanut’s first birthday party) or thinking too big in the games, or decorations or party favors department and spending too much money on stuff we never use. Then I make Christian and my sister Jill reassure me that everything was fine and fun and we won’t go broke because I spent too much on pinwheels or hotdogs.

Pinterest has not helped me with this problem. I wasted a solid two hours sometime in March picking a theme (balloons) and following various pinterest rabbit holes as I stuck various balloon themed cupcakes, garlands, games and food onto the Peanut’s virtual pin board. I was already thinking about the awesome pictures I could get with her and that garland, the way I could improve on the balloon cupcakes, how perfect everything could be. I could cut out balloon shapes, and write on balloons. It would be balloons everywhere and I couldn’t stop thinking about how amazing the pictures could be. I was having visions of the Peanut submerged in a baby pool full of balloons. It would be glorious.

Glorious is about right. My glory-ous. That right there is what this is about. It isn’t about the Peanut, or the holiday, or wanting it all to be special, that is not what the fretting and over planning is about. The fretting and over planning is all about me. I read somewhere that facebook, twitter, pinterest, instagram they are all contributing to the idea that if it isn’t documented in full (purposely faded) color, it doesn’t count. That what we do and buy and want all define us, makes us who we are somehow. (And in case you missed it, I’m still gunning for that Jesus Lover identity.)

I fall into this thinking. I have a tendency to think that I can have an AMAZING time, but if  I haven’t adequately documented the fun then I haven’t done my duty. And how do you ever adequately document the fun anyway? The Peanut Rooster combo does about 18 cute things a minute. The second I put the camera down they start doing something else that hasn’t yet been photographed. But you know what makes me a good mom, actually playing and touching and giggling with my kiddos. It is pretty impossible to do that from behind a camera. I’m not saying you can’t do both, I’m just saying for me, I get photo-obsessed and miss out on all the actual fun.

Because, I am this learning about myself: It can easily never be enough for me. I will find the perfect shoes and buy them, only to keep looking. Which is ridiculous because even if I did find another pair I am just too cheap to shell out the money for a second pair. I checked in with petfinder every so often for two weeks after we adopted Colt. We were not getting a second dog. I always want just one more. Just one more decoration, just one more pretty dress. Maybe the next one will be the perfect picture. Just sit there for one more snap of the shutter. Maybe just one more.

I don’t want to live my life in the search of just one more. I don’t want to be more interested in the perfect picture than a really fun time with our friends. I don’t want to be so tired from blowing up and sewing balloons together for a garland that all I want at the party is for  everyone to go home so that I can go to bed. I don’t want to want and want and never be satisfied. Because God is enough. He is. Regardless of the pictures I do and do not get, the crafts I do and do not make. He is enough. But sometimes it is hard to remember that amidst all the cool stuff there is to do and ogle on Pinterest.

This week I went to Target (more than once but my Target problem is a whole series of other posts that have a lot to do with my inaccurate vision of enough). I went through the birthday party aisle and they had some very simple very basic balloon themed birthday supplies. So I put them in my cart, then I put some of the stuff back and bought the rest. No balloon garlands, no kiddie pool full of balloons. We don’t need all of that. We don’t even really want it. It all just gets in the way…..

Today I was reminded through a serendipitous encounter at the Target that the Lord is calling me to stand in the gap for a place I once was.

And I said: I don’t know if I want to do that

And the Lord said: You do want to do that, the question is why won’t you

And I said: I don’t know how

And He said: I will lead you. Plus I don’t really believe that.

So I said: Not everyone will get it. Some people will think I am an idiot, other people might accuse me of being patronizing. I don’t want to be mis-understood. And then punished for the misunderstanding. That sounds hard.

So He said: You read the gospels lately, that is pretty much how my story goes. It is hard, but that doesn’t mean I am not calling you to it. It will be worth it love. I promise. You know what I want you to do.

And I said: I’ve been sitting on it so long I thought maybe you had forgotten, or changed your mind.

And He said: You know I don’t do either of these things.

And I said: You gonna help me?

And He said: I always do.

And I said:I know.

And He said: I know you know. But I am happy to remind you every once in a while. Now go. Get to the gap standing.

It is Good Friday, a day that seemed horrible and terrible. But God redeemed it. He still wants to redeem it. Whatever that terrible thing is. He can you know, that is the power of the cross. Turning the terrible into the beautiful.

Amen