I go back to work tomorrow, and I am not ready. I left the school year last May burned out and washed up, crying uncontrollably as I got a manicure before graduation. I was so, so tired, and wondered if I could ever be restored. It had been a long time in this desert season, would rain ever come?
Then it did. At two beautiful weddings, and in a place where people said, I don’t really understand what you are doing but I respect that you seem to need some space, I was reminded that I am enough, that my friends and family love me fiercly, that it is good for me to rest. It rained in a perfect week on a writing retreat where more than just my gift for writing was affirmed. My whole self, how God built me, I was told it was enough, it was good. And I rested well. Everyone else handled the details, including loaning me the money for the mug I wanted to buy. I came home and took off for a family vacation in New York at the lake, and came home to a whirlwind road trip with a dear friend who I was meeting for the first time. We were everything we already knew we were, and a book idea that could only ever really be mine to write came out of her brain. Tailored like an expensive garment, to fit my story perfectly.
If that wasn’t enough, I started a writing group that has gelled immediately and am dreaming again about where ever life might take us when my husband graduates in the spring. I was telling my friend all about it, when she jokingly referred to my summer as a “vision quest” and an owl showed up in my back yard. I have a thing for owls. They see into the darkness, and I have one tattooed onto my left foot.
After all of this I still wonder, is it enough? Am I enough? Is this totally magical summer enough to get me through one more school year? Will this feast sustain me? For how long? I don’t ever want to be where I was last May. Is this summer enough?
I struggle with the enough question a lot. I have learned to do all my Christmas shopping before Halloween. If I don’t cut myself off I way over spend because in the holiday frenzy I do not ever feel like what I bought was enough. If I don’t carefully plan before I go to the grocery store, I buy at least double what I need for dinner parties. I just want to make sure there is enough. Enough. What is enough anyway?
Scarcity turns me into a hoarder, an overspender, an over-commiter, a mess. Scarcity says, there will not be enough for you so don’t give anything away, and YOU are not enough so you better figure out how to buy/do/go to one more thing. This summer was an abundant gift, but scarcity tells me it is not enough. I am not enough, that there isn’t enough of me so I better stretch myself just a little more.
But when you look at the lies of scarcity, through the lens of an abundant God, it is totally ridiculous.
Do I really think that an abundant God would give me the summer of a lifetime and then not hold me through to the school year? Would my family really think Christmas was ruined with 3 presents a piece instead of 4? If I ran out of food at the dinner party, what am I afraid would happen? The friends I have in my home would hate me? This makes NO SENSE. Scarcity simply does not hold up to the fierce love of an abundant God. It just doesn’t.
Maybe I do wish summer would hold on for a few more weeks, but I can rest in the knowledge that what I was given was enough. I am enough. It is enough.
This is my LAST love bomb for the summer. #Wholemama runs through August, but this portion is coming to an end. There is a piece of me that worries the weeks we did do isn’t enough, but that is scarcity talking and it is a lie. I have LOVED doing lovebombs with you guys. Seriously one of the highlights of an awesome summer. Don’t think this is an end to lovebombs. You can do them whenever and to whoever you want. I highly encourage it.
Leave a comment on this post to let me know you are in, then I will send an email Thursday that tells you who and how we are going to lovebomb them. Either blog comments or Twitter! Play along! Last chance!
I’m in Abby, thanks!