Mourning my baby, thinking of morning

Tomorrow my baby turns one. I don’t know if this is the last time I will type that sentence, the last time I will speak that sentiment. Tomorrow, this space will be about her, but today I need to mourn. Because everything from here is just so foggy.

Adoption has been written on our hearts since before we promised ourselves to each other. Christian and I have always known it would be a part of our story. But that is all we know, where? how? when? Will I ever again have the privilege of escorting a soul on her first journey around the sun? We just don’t know. It is time for me to wait patient, and be a good steward of the amazing babies the Lord has given me. It is time for me to balance in that place between…..if this is all you have Lord, it is enough…..and Lord I believe the things you have spoken. It is a narrow space, and I need propped up often. It is too easy to get pulled from one side or the other.

I have been learning that mourning is a necessary thing for me. Admitting that I am sad things are changing does not mean I am not excited to enter into that change. I just will miss my baby girl. She is so sweet, and so relaxed. I will miss the way she says “mama” so full of hope and assurance that her needs will be answered. I will miss it, when she is not completely delighted by my expertise in peek-a-boo. I will be sad when she does not openly showcase her delight with a low hu-hu-hu, or surprise me with a sneaky back hug when I am on the ground. I will be sad when she needs more than a belly tickle to bring forth her booming baby laugh (sorry baby, you got that one from mama.)

It is strange, time. I am not convinced it was part of the original plan….only forward….never back. So here I will rest in the…I think I know…I do not know……I know that He is enough. Today I will hand these last hours to give to my God. What he has given me. It is enough. What He has for me is merciful….even if I am wishing for another week or so with an almost one year old.

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2 thoughts on “Mourning my baby, thinking of morning

  1. “Will I ever again have the privilege of escorting a soul on her first journey around the sun? ”
    Your writing just keeps getting better and was wonderful to begin with. Are you mourning or celebrating or both or neither? It makes me remember mourning /celebrating your baby to beauty and your sisters. Am I remembering or is your writing creating a memory that never yet always was there?. Now that’s good writing.

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