When it rains, I cry

Oh the crying stage of pregnancy, how I love you. I have never exactly been one to keep my emotions private. For me, it feels much better just to let it all hang out. Recently Jill and I were at a women’s bible study where we were both crying. We were the only two. It is genetic. Thanks a lot Dad. (You read that correctly, when I was taking a lecture class in college Dr. Stamp asked us which parent is more likely to cry. I was the only one to say dad and everyone of the other couple hundred students looked at me.)

Anyway, I have had a flood of things happen that probably would have made me cry anyway, but add 22 weeks pregnant to the list (hey, Priscilla is the size of a coconut!) and the tears are going to flow. I have been getting NO response from a few people at work, and I know they are busy. I get it. Testing totally sucks for the students, the teachers, the people in charge who will loose their job if anything goes wrong. It just blows, unless of course you get paid a lot of money for creating those tests. But I need to know if I am teaching summer school or not, at the very least I need to know when I am going to know if you don’t know yet to tell me. And it shouldn’t take a week and a half and four emails to find that answer. (Which was we don’t know, but we will let you know on this date.) And then there is some form that my lawyers need that I gave to someone in March and they say they gave it to someone else, but that someone else says they have never seen it before and have been waiting on me to give it to them.

But the icing on the cake is this. I was surplussed. Then I was given a placement in the north side of the school district that will be between an hour and a half to two hours to get home in traffic. I would get home at between 5:30 and 6 on a good day. The peanut goes to sleep at 7. On a bad day I wouldn’t even get to see her. With a four month old at home I will be getting up an hour and a half earlier than I do now to make it to work on time. Awesome. I was just wrapping my head around this when the principal from the new school emailed me to let me know that there must be some mistake. He doesn’t have an opening. This is good news. I am praying that I am put closer to my house (in my dream world they leave me where I am at). But it puts me in a limbo land I am not great at navigating.

So I get all this news pretty much at the same time and I am in the front office trying to figure out where this stupid form is and am informed no one has it. And I throw up my hands and sigh really loud and stomp out like the mature professional I am. And the totally gracious employee who is definitely NOT to blame calls me back in to let me know that if someone just gets her the form she will fax it where ever I desire today. Luckily that gave me the chance to apologize and tell her that I know she hasn’t done anything wrong I am just frustrated and overwhelmed. Then I cried in the front in front of the secretary and a co-worker. I feel awesome. I am going to taco bell for lunch. And I may have had a banana and some m&ms for breakfast. I just feel that awesome.

I know that God has everything under control. I do. I read the part in the Bible at small group last night about not worrying about tomorrow because the birds and the flowers don’t and they do just fine and all of that. And I get that. I do. I have a million stories of the Lord providing when provision seemed impossible. And with everything I profess to believe Him to have done, getting me a job where He wants me and making sure we are provided for is simply not a big deal. But right now I am frustrated and annoyed, and worried. Because what I feel like is not lining up with what I know.

What I feel like goes something like this: I am  not going to make any extra money this summer and the cost of gas is going to completely destroy our budget, and these forms will never be filled out right so we will never see that money and I will end up having to pay the stupid 600 dollar ambulance bill for riding in the front while someone was actually getting medical care only because they were going to the place I wanted to be and people kept asking me if I wanted to and I just wanted everyone to shut up. I will have this baby in traffic on the side of four hundred before I set foot in an ambulance again. I’ll just make sure I am wearing skirts when I come full term so when the birth is on the news off of footage from someones camera phone, they can shoot it from an angle that doesn’t showcase parts that have to be blurred out. (I realize I may have just crossed the too far line. Sorry about that.)

Just writing all of that makes me realize how ridiculous all of this is, how crazy I am being. So I suppose I will just continue to choose the truth over my insanely pregnant feelings. And cry. And eat taco bell for lunch. And pray pray pray that I find a teaching job close to home (if anyone has any leads on that let me know.)

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4 thoughts on “When it rains, I cry

  1. I know that sometimes talking yourself off the proverbial edge doesn't really work, because sometimes everything you tell yourself over and over again- things that are true-simply don't change the way you feel. On that note, let me remind you of a time last winter when Peanut was in your belly. You came to my house in tears because, like today, there are so many unknowns for you. This past fall, everything turned out better than you could have planned, did it not? I'm glad you're taking time to write all this down and I'm thankful that I get to read your thoughts because we'll look back months from now and remember how God provided.

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