Agape Fail

So it’s about to get real. You have been warned.

Last week my principal, who I have a great amount of respect for, came to observe my classroom. He was unimpressed. It did not go well.

There were lots of factors that went into this bad day, as there are a million factors that go into every day. Essentially, I told my kids to do xyz, but they didn’t and I simply did not have the energy to walk around and tell each kid individually to get it together. So I more or less let them off. Then my principal, who really puts his money where his mouth is and gives everything he has every single day, walks in the door. And my kids are pretty much sitting there…….and some are sleeping. Not my best moment. Easily one of my worst moments as a teacher.

I wish I could say I recovered beautifully, but I did not. Pretty much the whole observation was like that.Ugh. But I am not surprised that this all went down because recently I have been suffering from a lack of love. It is love my neighbor month at 1027 church. A time when we are challenged to step back from ourselves and take a look at the people around us. Reflect on how God is calling us to serve our neighbors and heed that call.

And if I am going to be honest for a moment (you know because I usually put myself in such a positive light on this thing…..) I don’t feel like it. I simply don’t feel like it. I don’t want to be bothered with going above and beyond. I want to do my part, and have everyone else do their part….and if there is slack have someone else pick it up. When God puts on my heart to love my neighbor, I want to tell Him it isn’t my turn. How about you  choose someone else to love my students for a change and let me teach poetic language and then go home?

I know that part of it is that I am a public school teacher and it is February. March is looming and looking long. Christmas break was so long ago and spring break is not coming fast enough. And I have one of  those professions where it is just really obvious when you are and aren’t loving your students (clients, patients, whatever you call them). I know that the loving thing is to be patient one more day, give the kid one more reminder as to what successful behavior is, give every lecture 100 percent because not only is it the loving thing, but my kids are already behind, and can’t afford anything less. And I am tired. And loving my students takes energy that I don’t have and a hope that I am not sure exists in me anymore. It takes time that I would rather spend doing something else, something that didn’t require me to look beyond myself.

Wow, that is ugly. But if I am honest it is how I feel right now. These sentiments accurately reflect what is going on in my heart. And it is I love my neighbor month, and I am suffering from some serious agape fail. Snap out of it Abby…….there are people with real problems in the world.

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One thought on “Agape Fail

  1. Sometimes I make tuna casserole. I heard that line once on an old TV show I can't remember the name of. In the original context it meant I do what needs doing not because I am especially motivated to do so but just because it needs doing and I admit I am not creative in the endeavor thus no manicotti. As long as the tuna casserole is a good one and people are fed I think the job was done.

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