I thought maybe this was the year I stopped having a one word. I have been doing it since 2012. I still think of my year of Unashamed as a key year in a lot of ways. It was the year I started leaning into who I am. It turns out I really like myself. The year I chose WHOLE and then went on prozac is also a highlight. Two years ago I got PERSIST and then just had to truck through life, get through it. Last year I had ART and I spent December covered in paint and very happy about it. I love painting things. But maybe this was a practice that didn’t serve me anymore and maybe that was okay.
But it is a practice that serves me. For awhile I was leaning toward EMBODY. I have the tendency to push my way through life, to just keep going. This isn’t good for my body, it means I live in my head a lot, and it means I am often just doing the thing in front of me while thinking about getting to the next thing. I am not exactly present at any of it. I am just keeping it moving. It being me? Why? I don’t know. But if you asked me how I was sometime in the last three years or so I probably told you I was tired.
I started writing when Juliet was just a baby. I got serious about it when Priscilla came along and my husband went to Grad school. It taught me to pay attention to myself, to my own life, to the things that mattered to me. It taught me to be present in a moment, even if it was just so I could write about it later. I am grateful to blogging for that. I don’t know who or where I would be without it.
It also taught me to pay attention at all times to all the things happening in all the circles of the internet. Pay attention to things that really aren’t my concern. Pay attention to the drama and the fighting and the discontent, not my OWN discontent mind you, just everyones all the time.
I don’t want to do that anymore. I only have so much attention and I don’t want to spend it on other people’s lives. I want to start paying attention, to my body, to my marriage, to my kids, to my art, to my writing. I want to pay attention to the things that feed me, and let go of the rest even if they ARE good things, they might not be the best things for me.
The Methodists have three rules (thanks John Wesley) 1. Do no Harm 2. Do Good 3. Attend to the ordinances of God. When attend popped into my head I knew it was mine because the way I want to use it is kind of old school and deeply methodist. I want to attend to the things God has for me. I want to do Good (and no harm obviously) but I also want MY good. MY life, the one I show up to. And I have to be in attendance. I have to pay attention to what God has for me.