When I got the prompt for SheLoves this month I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I did a little of both. We could choose from DETOUR or WHAT THE HECK? Both felt appropriate but I had been yelling the latter into my phone at various people when describing my life for about two months. So, I went with that.
We moved to Atlanta 10 years ago, pretty much on faith. We just knew this was the way and every step up the way, things opened up like magic. If it wasn’t miraculous, it was at least remarkable. I think of the ways this worked out for us a lot. Sometimes it gives me hope. Sometimes it leaves me giving God the side eye. I mean…I know you can do it God, what are you waiting for?
It is June 16. I still do not have my future totally sorted out. We are leaning one way, but could be swooped another. Had you told me this would be my life a year ago. I simply would not have believed you. My God is faithful, and would never do this to me.
When I heard the term “ghosting” I was like. Yes. That is what it feels like God is doing. God just stopped answering my text messages, my emails, my phone calls. God is just….silent where there used to be a lot of direction and easy banter there is just…space. So what does it look like to believe that God is faithful even though God is not doing what you thought God would do? It is hard, and I am writing about it at SheLoves today.
I quit my job on faith (something I have written about for more than a year) and no new job has risen up to meet me. My husband set a defense date for his PhD, no job for him on the horizon. I was sure by June, we would be having conversations about our new town, or his new job, or the books I need for seminary. Instead, we are figuring out when each of our last paychecks will go in, when the health insurance will run out, when is the last day I can tell the seminary I am actually not coming without having to pay for the semester.
We are trying to figure out where the line in the sand is. At what point do we pull the trigger on putting our house up for sale and moving into my sister’s basement in Detroit? What kind of crazy is the life plan of starting a YouTube channel about four adults and six girls, 10 and under, living in one house? I’d call it Half a Dozen Cousins. I even have the beginnings of a jingle worked out. Is it like, delusional crazy, or is it this just might work crazy? I don’t really want to find out.