My computer died two Wednesdays ago. Just when it is becoming reality that I actually did quit my job to try to make some money at this writing gig, the one tool I needed. It wasn’t even that old. It for sure had the best copy of two books that I am working on. I for sure had been meaning to upload them to the cloud, but the machine wasn’t even acting funny. Until it wouldn’t start.
I met the kindest man who has ever worked on a Geek Squad and handed him my computer. No problem, he said. Let me try two other things, he said. I have one more person I want to ask he said. I am very very sorry he said. Is there anything I can get you? he said, as I sobbed uncontrollably into my dead computer.
My book is on there. In three weeks I quit job to be a writer (or seminary student) in two weeks. I rose up to my destiny and instead of rising up to meet me, the universe sucker punched me. I was literally doubled over and gasping for breath.
It was awful. That moment was totally awful. There was nothing left to do.
I don’t know why it takes having no other options to ask for help. But I know I am not the only one who waits that long. I started a GoFundMe page and went to bed crying. I woke up to 24% of my goal and by Friday evening I had met my goal. With Facebook often burying crowd sourcing links, many people I know hadn’t even seen it. I am still, even as I am typing this from my new computer, shocked at the support that was given.
If you are following along, you know that my family is living in a state of radical uncertainty. It is wearing on me. It is hard to keep faith, even the size of a mustard seed. I cry a lot. I worry I lot. I am mad at myself for worrying and that doesn’t really help anything. I still don’t have any answers.
I’ve been putting off writing this follow up post because I wanted this to change everything. I wanted your generosity and the speed at which you poured it out to be the first in a series of allthethings coming together. Instead, it has been the piece that I am clinging to. I am supposed to write. I am called to this life I am pursuing. My needs will be met, probably in ways I am not expecting. I should continue to swim into the deep end, instead of scurrying back to shore. With every stroke I am gasping for breath. I am not sure I am going to make it. But for now I swim on. I am choosing to trust that I will see the next shoreline any minute against the horizon. I am choosing to believe that the rescue boats will come when I cannot take one more breath on my own.
If you donated already, and did not yet receive your thank you, expect one tomorrow. I can’t wait to skype with some of you! If you still want to donate, I would love to be able to update my website. Every kind word has been stored up just like every dollar. Thank you all, my rescue boats.