Hello there world. Sometimes I forget that other people read this (even though that is the exact reason I hit “publish” and not “save draft”). So, after multiple private and public checkups in the last twenty-four hours I feel the need to add some things to yesterdays post.
First, if you did contact me, thank you. Seriously, thank you. Just knowing you see me, really see me is a treasure, a gift. I know I don’t have to go through this without any help. I am seeking help. I realize now that it sounded like praying for pixie dust was the only way I was dealing with this. That is not the case. I know that God can heal me miraculously and I am praying for that. I am also seeking out some sort of chemical that can be my miracle every day until I feel like maybe I don’t need it anymore. I am extremely weary of doctors (bad experiences in High school, getting told to my face there is nothing wrong with me etc.) but I have asked for some recommendations from people I trust to find a general practitioner who can either help me, or point to someone who can help me. But I appreciate your concern and care. It means a lot to me. Also, have a doctor who is great at listening in the Atlanta area? I would love that contact info.
I write-through this thing because it helps. Putting words and faces to shadows and echoes of fear unnamed helps me to see these things in their true dimension, rather than the dimension I project them when they are only in my own head. When I put it in words I see the shadow puppet, where as before I thought the shadow on the wall was the reality. It helps me to explain it in metaphors of temperature and clothing.
I write-through this thing because it makes me feel less alone. History of depression on both sides of my family? Who knew? Now I do. But also, in my friends, in my church, in my Facebook acquaintances. I don’t have to think I am the only one doing this, and they don’t have to feel like it either, and that helps.
I write-through this because this is where I am at right now. It may sound super pretentious to say that you think God called you to write out your story as it is happening, and yet here I am, saying that. This is where I am, and this is the space that I have to tell that, and explain it, and that needs to be okay. I think there needs to be spaces for the dark corners too. Because God sheds light in the dark places, and how are we going to see that light if we aren’t willing to go into that corner?
I write-through this to explain, so that people who don’t do this can understand, so you won’t roll your eyes at the girl crying at church….again. I write-through it so you have words when your friend seems off to you, when she seems unable to return your phone call.
But mostly, I write-through this because when I do, the shame falls away. When I choose to share, the secret doesn’t grip me, the lie that I should be better than this looses all of its power. I write-through it because it lightens me, leaves me unashamed of who I am and what I am struggling with. I write-through it because the shame does not stand up to the light of day, the anxiety dies down when everyone already knows. The truth shouts louder than the lies.
I write-through this because the truth of it all is setting me free. Sometimes in the writing, sometimes in the comments, sometimes in the private messages. The truth has been finding me and it has been freeing me. I promise it has.