If I want to be found I must loose myself, If I want to live I must die. And I have been trying, at least I think I have. Lately all I have been feeling is lost, parts of myself dying.
All who are weary are promised rest, but the only way I have been able to find it is to disappoint someone else. Even rest is exhausting.
Lately it feels like my value and worth are all wrapped up. What I can do has become what I am good for. I am worthy when I meet needs. I am lost and dying all right, all poured out. Poured out for my kids at home and kids at school, for my church, for my friends. It doesn’t feel good, like an emptying of myself. It just feels empty and hollow. Lonely.
I didn’t cry at church this Sunday, probably for the first time in two months. Mostly because I didn’t go. I cried at home instead. After I got the kiddos dressed and Christian loaded them in the car, I was too tired to sleep for a full forty-five minutes, laying in bed, wondering why I bother.
Last night I spent every favor I had, and an hour I had hoped to be sleeping burning through all my social capital before landing on the two women I always land on when my kids need watched and I am at work. I have nothing to give them in return, only the words that I deeply mean, I am very very grateful that you love sacrificially.
It seems I have have gotten what I can do and who I am all tangled together again. If I can’t, if I don’t know, if I am unable….I feel unworthy. That grace I have been trying to live all year, I have still not figured out how to dump it lavishly onto myself.
I wonder how many times I will write this blog post, the one where I am learning to give myself grace, the one where I declare that I am enough, the one where I say I am learning to find my worth in simply being and not being something for someone else.
Let’s hope this time it sticks.