The dance party at the front of the church was doing some serious rocking when a strange thing happened. My friends kid laid down. Right there in front he laid down his 4-year-old body, shut his eyes, and was still. A few came to join him, but they grew restless and got up. He laid their for the length of a song (an eternity in 4-year-old measurements) eyes shut, still before God.
My heart called for me to crawl up there with him. I wish I would have, chucked the rest of my pride and grabbed a piece of carpet. Today, this is how I will worship my God: on the floor, with my eyes closed, in the footsteps of a four-year-old. My eyes sting with tears of regret as I type this. I missed a holy moment there.
The school year has been going so fast that I feel as though I cannot get a breath. No talking about it, no figuring something out, just go go GOOOOOO! Head down, one foot in front of the other. It was one of the reasons I was so undone when my car broke down last Friday. I was hoping for a rest, and instead I got one more thing that I had to deal with, problem solve, fix. I could not do it anymore.
I was hoping this weekend when my sister came down that we would have a chance to catch up, to sit as our little triad of France girls and drink wine and be. I wanted to look at each other and marvel at where God has brought us, wonder at where He would take us next. But we were too busy, there were too many things that needed to be done. Too many mouths to feed and kids to put to bed. It is no ones fault, it is just where we are right now.
I have been begging God for a time of rest as I sneak extra burdens into my knapsack. Things like, worrying about when I will finally “make it” as a writer, worrying about where I fit in, wondering if I started too late. (Because the God who broke in and told me to start writing, He wasn’t in control of when He did that….okay Abby. That makes sense.)
The Lord has been gently telling me: The rest is now. The time is now. Wake up from the zombie like posture of getting through and lay yourself and your baggage all down in the middle of the craziness. Trust that you won’t get stepped on in the chaos. Rest in me right now.
When we got back from church the chaos was still there, and for a moment I tried to orchestrate it all. I may have given up halfway through and laid down in the grass, letting everyone else figure out how to get to lunch. It was restful in the chaos, and even without my hand swirling around, everyone managed to get fed and on their way. I did the same after lunch, I laid down in the grass. The Peanut came and rested her head on me. The Rooster slept in the van. The sun began to set. All of it resting.
It was the most awake I felt in a long time.
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