Wild Geese and Wild Goose: Letting the soft animal of my body camp in dresses.

When I was 28 I chose the word unashamed as my word of the year. I had no idea how much unlearning I had to do. I got my nose pierced the same week I told my pastor that maybe I was being called to preach. I started blogging like I meant it. I inserted myself in conversations I had a right to be in. I decided to do what I wanted when it didn’t hurt anyone else even if I did think these wants were a little silly, or juvenile, or shouldn’t matter to me. I stopped being ashamed that I take up space in this world.

I don’t remember if I had already read Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese or if I stumbled upon it that year, but I still get choked up at the line “Let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.” Mary, do you have any idea how much work that is for me?

Last year was my second Wild Goose Festival. Her poem is always propped somewhere on the campground. My first with my kiddos and husband and camping and the whole thing. I linked up with a bunch of blogging buddies and we camped together and watched each other’s children and shared our food. It was good. A bright spot in a brutal summer where none of our plans had solidified. Out of one of the tents, Emily appeared with a flowing flowered kimono and red lipstick. I want to camp like that, I thought. Then I dismissed it. We don’t do that, women like me don’t do that, even if we want to.

But why not? If I am a person who WANTS to camp in dresses and lipstick, then why am I not someone who can do that? Y’all I am old enough that I pack my own suitcase.

This year we were having a nice normal summer where I could actually think about what I was chucking into my suitcase for the festival. When I sat down on my bed and thought about what I wanted to pack, I really just wanted to wear long dresses and big earrings. So I did. That was what I wanted to wear so that was what I packed. Even if I had spent a lot of time as a teen rollings my eyes at “those girls” who wore lipstick camping. Even if shorts seemed more practical, so I took a deep breath and rolled up my jewelry in each dress I planned to wear and shoved them in my tote bag. Then, every morning I took the time to wear one, and put on lipstick and earrings. I practiced loving what I love.

This is still hard for me. It is still a hard spiritual discipline to let the soft animal of my body love what it loves. It is strange and wonderful and really really hard. It is also, FYI SUPER convenient to wear dresses when the only bathroom option is a port-a-potty. The soft animal of my body loved that.

I love the Wild Goose because it reminds me of this. It reminds me that God created me on purpose and to be good, that the things that I like are worth pursuing because I am worth it. A few women pulled me aside to tell me that they liked the way I dressed, and that me leaning fully into myself is not just good for me, it is good for everyone.

This is worth it. I am worth it.  Continue reading

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So You are the Parent at a Poor School

So you are a middle class (probably white) person who has decided to send their kids to an “underprivileged” school. You care a lot about educational inequality and want to make a difference. After reading somethings on the internet (maybe written by me) you decide to do this! You do NOT fill out the forms and utilize the lotteries, you choose the path of least resistance and send your kid to the neighborhood school. You know no one else who has done this. You know that this is tricky and want to do it well. You know just enough to know you don’t know anything.

I am here to help! I taught high school in Atlanta for almost a decade, half of my time at an underprivileged school, and half at what can only be described as an over-resourced school. I know as a teacher what teachers need. I also am the white middle class parent at a poor black school. We chose three years ago to send our daughters to the neighborhood school when it was ranked the second worst in the state. We have loved every minute. Our kids are thriving. The school is an amazing community for us and my kids at 5 and 7 already understand that whiteness is one way to be, not THE way to be. They are way smarter than my 20 year old self.

If you want to ACTUALLY be helpful instead of FEEL like being helpful, here are some things you can do:

Know WHY you are there: If you are here to make the black school/poor school/refugee school a white middle class school, STOP. There are enough middle class white schools that you will be totally comfortable in. Go there. If you think you and your babies would benefit from an experience that is unlike the white middle class Dawson’s creek existence of (most likely) your own youth and you have a lot to learn, then you can proceed.

Understand Your Privilege: You are going to be listened to faster than anyone at the school. Your complaints will be taken more seriously, and if you have to run something up the chain it WILL be handled swiftly and harshly. You may not want this to be true, but it is. This may make people a little nervous when they interact with you. One complaint from you and a teacher may lose her job. Just know that any complaint you have will be taken very VERY seriously.

Assume Good Intent: There may be some things that they do at the school that you do not quite understand. Our school doesn’t use email as much as I would like them to. It used to annoy me. Then I figured out that they use text message because all the parents always have access to that. The school is more invested in you are in systems that work for them than you are, and they have thought about it longer. So, before you make all the suggestions, just watch. I promise you they are doing something for a reason.

Join the PTA: This is going to cost you ten dollars. Shell out. If you have a spouse or co-parent pay twenty and join separately. Mom, dad and step-mom? Everyone join! This is a national organization and it keeps track of what percentage of the school’s parents are in the PTA, they then give awards based on that. Just HAVING a PTA looks good for your school’s metrics. Even just having one improves your school, even if they don’t do anything, that ten dollars is not wasted.

Ask and Deliver: Ask your kids teacher, or the social worker “What is one thing you need.” They may tell you they don’t need anything. They are not telling the truth. Keep asking, “What is one thing I could do for you.” Then, deliver. If they say kleenex, buy kleenex. If they say lunch duty, show up. The school may have been functioning for years without volunteers and making room is sort of exhausting. Also, they are very used to people saying they will, and then not. If you want to help, you need to come through the first time so they know you are worth their energy.

Make Yourself Available: The teachers you are working with may not be used to planning ahead. Poverty is chaotic and sometimes oppurtunities that are free or reduced cost are often last minute. If you get asked day of to do something and you can, do it. If they ask on Wednesday and you are free on Friday, say yes to the field trip. If you get told at drop off they are out of paper towels, try to get some by pick up. These teachers are totally self reliant and have been their entire careers. Train them that you can be counted on. If you get annoyed, they will just stop asking.

Find your Beyoncé and Get Into Formation: You do not get to be the star of the show. You just don’t. You don’t know enough about the community. You don’t know any of the moves. Find someone you can back up. First I said YES to any request our pre-k teacher had. I made it happen, I volunteered my husband. As she got to know us she trusted us enough that we were able to advocate for her county wide. I always back up my kids’ teachers, but have also made good relationships with the social worker and the PTA president. I find out what they need and I do it. That easy. DO NOT make up a whole new set of moves. Just get into formation.

If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say, DO NOT say it in Public: In the age of school choice NOTHING, I mean nothing is more important than school reputation. Because you are middle class and white, your opinion is worth a lot more than other parents. This is stupid and racist, but also it is true. DO NOT tweet, Facebook, or otherwise publicly complain about your school. Even if you say the good with the bad, people will only hear the bad because that is what they already believe. If worst comes to worst and you decide not to keep your kid at the local school learn this line: It just was not the best fit for our family. Other people really love it.

Rep for you school, Hard: The number one way you can be helpful is to be the biggest cheerleader your school has ever seen. Let everyone and their brother know just how much you LOVE your school, how GREAT it is. People like to support winners, and if you can get people to have positive thoughts attached with the school people will be more likely to support it. I joined the local mommy Facebook group to rep for, and defend my school. My friends know this. If they see my school mentioned they tag me in it. Practice smiling really big and saying loudly: Actually we love that school! I don’t know where you heard (that shitty thing you just said) but we go there and my kids are thriving! If you want to come with me to tour it I can arrange that! Despite what you heard about the test scores, I am VERY happy with the education my kids are getting! You will be shocked at the things people say to your face. Do not be silent. Stick up for your school. Because you are middle class and white people take what you have to say more seriously. Use that for the good.

Accept Charity: Listen here. You want to be part of this community? Then you need to be a receiver as well as a giver. If you have been raised middle class and white this is going to feel uncomfortable to you. You have been taught that you are supposed to provide for yourself. This is a lie that, if you do it right, your kids will not inherit. First, you accept charity so it isn’t shameful for anyone else. My kids get a “backpack of love” every weekend from the Methodist church that is on my seminary’s campus. We do not actually need the milk and peanut butter and graham crackers, but when they tried to make the program “opt in if you need it” no one would admit to needing it. Kids went hungry on the weekends. By normalizing receiving, everyone eats. The other thing is that this makes you a member of the community. I ran a coat drive that my child then benefitted from. This made it like a community thing instead of a “look at how good Abby is” thing. It was better.

Be Patient with Systems NOT Built for You: I said this before but it bears repeating. People of different classes and races have different ways of interacting with the world. The school is not used to people who work like you do. The communication might be through channels that aren’t your favorite. The pick up line might be chaotic because they have only ever had bus riders before. They may not know what to do with your kids’ packed lunch because everyone just uses the free lunch. The school has reasons for doing what they do. Find out what those reasons are before you demand change.

Praise People Lavishly: This is the easiest and most important thing you will do. Kids are bad at saying thank you  Parents already maxed out by life may not have the space for it. Be generous with your praise and your token gifts. Y’all I made a teacher cry by emailing the principal about how much I liked her. That was free. I drop off five dollar gift cards and bake cookies to drop in the teachers lounge. The teachers are the front lines and the best thing we could do for the kids is making sure the teachers know we love them.

That is it. That is all I got. TEACHERS if you have more suggestions find me on Twitter. Parents, if you have questions seriously contact me. It can be scary to do something no one else you know is doing. It can be scary doing something that is easy to mess up. You got this. I promise.

 

Momma Don’t Play That (What I Won’t be Doing Anymore)

This morning, while working on my side-gig as a social-media-manager for beginner bloggers, (contact me!) and showing someone the difference between my Facebook page, and my blogs Facebook page, the time-hop popped up with the teeny tiny baby Priscilla and Juliet. They were one and three and I was as tired as Priscilla looks. I was really just treading water; changing diapers and feeding people that were crying, and feeding me so I didn’t cry.

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But this was 4 years ago and everyone in it has more hair. Also, more words. So many more words than I could have ever imagined. So many words y’all. Just so many.

It is July 2017, and my kids are 5 and 7. They go potty by themselves and can even get their own snack when they are so hungry they are crying. They can go get ME a snack when I am so hungry I am crying. But there are times when I simply revert back into mom-with-her-hands-filled-mode. I just move through the paces that have been in my house since our second child was born. But y’all, I am no longer the only one who is capable of helping us get out the door when Christian is teaching summer classes.

I think that sometimes parents get stuck in the mode of whatever they are doing. There is an old family story my mom tells of her being half way done cutting up her own father’s steak before she realized what she was doing. My Grampy didn’t need his meat cut, it was just the mode she was in. I get that. I have been there, I have opened Christian’s food without thinking about it on numerous occasions.

But Y’ALL this is how helicopter parents are made. One moment you are tying the shoes of someone who probably can do it herself and the next moment you are calling your 25 year old’s boss to let her know she isn’t feeling well while you make her a doctor’s appointment for a flu shot. This is not how I want to live my life. In a moment of complete stress last spring I calculated when I was going to be an empty-nester and WOO-HOO 46! I will not be spending those glory years doing laundry for grown-ups I did not marry.  I am hoping for a ridiculous amount of European vacations and ordering in dinner more than 4 days a week.

So, as of July 2017 here are the things that I am no longer in charge of. Mom’s role is constantly changing and there are a host of things that I am no longer willing to do.

1.    Finding shoes that are not mine. My kids sometimes misplace the shoes that are still on their own feet. I am aware, after picking up my own house, that the leaving your shoes any old place gene is from me. I can’t even keep track of my own shoes, I certainly should not be finding everyones. If you can’t find your own shoes, you can’t go where we are going. Too bad, so sad, and yes I cringe a little when they wear mismatched rain boots instead of the adorable sandals we spent 6 hours picking out at Target. But if you wore them, and you lost them, you find them. I will not be scouring the house, looking under couches, checking behind the toilet for the shoes that you only decided were important when you couldn’t find them. Everyone finds their own shoes.

2.   Being the Snack Fairy. I get it. You are hungry. I buy your clothes and your shoes I promise I know you are hungry. I am fine with that. You can eat as much as you want. You have shown me that you are fully capable of opening the pantry and the fridge. You know what the snack foods are. Eat them. If you don’t want to eat the cheese sticks, fresh fruit, granola bars, or crackers you are NOT. THAT. HUNGRY. You know are awesome Title One school feeds you breakfast AND lunch during the school year. I am struggling as it is to feed you three times a day. That just seems like a lot. I certainly cannot do it extra. I have made my provisions. You do you.

3.    Refereeing. For the benefit of my own sanity, I can no longer referee your fights. I am so sorry. If your sister is doing something that makes you crazy, walk away. There will be plenty of people in your adult life who will make you nuts, you might as well learn how to work with them or walk away now. When you get promoted for knowing how to deal with impossible team members, you can thank me.

4.    Taking Your Turn. I will no longer be taking your turn. So, when it is your turn to get the dog out of the cage, help me set the table, or put away the silverware then you need to do it. Here is the thing  about your turn. I know I only have two kids so I should theoretically be able to know whose turn it is, but HEY not my job either. I am doing the best I can, and since my children can’t figure that out without fighting (see rule #3) then I guess we will just have to assume that with only 2 kids and 18 years of guessing it will all wash out in the end. If it doesn’t after that time, you can move out! If I say it is your turn, that means it is your turn. I won’t be doing it anymore.

That’s it. That is what I am not doing. See you in two years when y’all will be walking the dog all by yourself, and also your own laundry. I am looking forward to it. Have fun for now, when I still fold your panties. I promise, when you go to college knowing how to do all of that, you will thank me.