Hey there lovely readers! My life is totally insane right now. And I had a sick kiddo yesterday so that throws everything completely out of whack. AND I had two things published on the same day. Yesterday I shared the piece from Off the Page about living in God’s Economy, and today I have a confession over at SheLoves about just how scared I am some days.
I think it is really really important to share the messy middle part, and I think this is the part the Christian narrative leaves out the most. We tell the excited beginning, we for sure witness to the triumphal end, but the middle when you are looking around wondering if you are the only one who has no idea what they are doing? We skip that part. I don’t want to skip that part anymore. I think that part is best done together, telling the truth.
This last week things have been hard, and I seriously thought about calling it all off. I am not going to, but I thought about it. …..
“But you seem so confident!”
You have no idea how many times I have been told this in my life. Pretty much the exact same amount of times I’ve been shaking in my boots. Apparently, even when I’m terrified I still present as confident. I both love and hate this about myself.
I have spent the last month or so celebrating my entrance into seminary. I quit my job! I’m leaning in! I’m what a lady preacher looks like! And I’m very proud of myself for answering the call, for chasing the dream, for following hard after my God. I am proud.
On the good days, I’m sure this is what I should be doing. On the days where I have an epiphany in class and go on to tell my husband what I learned about the Old Testament and we read the Bible together and our minds are blown, on those days I got this. I am so sure. I am so sure I should be doing this. I am so sure I was called by God.
Here is my confession: Most days are not good days. Most days I am a little less sure. Most days I am cooking, not cleaning, picking kids up, doing some writing and always, always thinking about how I should be studying. I’m often wondering if now is the time.